totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
