There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
