I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
