I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
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