Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
im calling her cock vulture from now on
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
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