I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
I don't deserve a penis
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
