It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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