even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
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