I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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