yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Randomize