did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
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