I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
