You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
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