dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
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