i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
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