My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Randomize
