i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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