Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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