I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
I wish you could order shots online.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
