I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
