I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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