after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
