she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
Randomize
