What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
I see more hoeing in ur future
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
