I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
