next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
Randomize
