My underwear smells like fireworks.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
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