Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
