She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
