If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
