you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
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