Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize