I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
