Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
