We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
