sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
