It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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