I think im going to throw up on grandma
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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