You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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