does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
i now understand why vodka
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize