Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
