Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
