she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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