discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
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