she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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