Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
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