Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
