Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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