this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
