my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize