I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
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