im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
Randomize