so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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