9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize