My sheets look like a crime scene.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Randomize
