People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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