Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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