you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
