he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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