I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Randomize
