There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
