Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
