is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
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