I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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