I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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